LATE-NIGHT THOUGHTS, AND A DISCLAIMER OF SORTS

I stayed up after my wife went to bed tonight to help a fellow-seminarian study for a Greek exam tomorrow. Then, like a fool, I decided to read through the 56 comments on Seraphim's blog and see what I thought--things have gotten very heated over there, and he asked me to read it and see what I thought. My writing was interrupted by a fire alarm at 1:30--I went to bed after that, so have only had a chance to post this now. I still have a lot of work to do, so I'll try to remain brief.

With accordant brevity, then, I don't think he was out of line. Yet I can see where those who objected found offense, and can sympathize. As Seraphim said himself in his final apology for the extent to which the discussion went, he can as well. He and I are both converts. The issues and problems and difficulties which are created by a strict adherence to the Canons of the Church apply to us as much as to anyone else. When we write about theological issues, here or elsewhere, it is not (at least not only, God forgive us) out of a desire to see ourselves in print--we are grappling as if for our lives with these questions. Certainly we are not sitting in our cloistered little rooms and figuring out what is the letter of the law to which we will soon subject the lowly foolish paeons of middle America, just as soon as we can find a bishop who will give us the official authority to do so. On the contrary, the thought of being the person responsible for directing ANYONE in their walk towards and with God terrifies me. When I write regarding the Church, I am, as it were, thinking aloud, trying to figure out just what one should say to this or that question.

On the other hand, I confess uncertainty and deep uneasiness about the various Canons of the Church. I present a recent dilemma by way of example. Grant for the moment that, as many have said, the Canons and the Church Tradition expressly require that an Orthodox Christian is to be baptized, that this baptism is the laver of regeneration, that as many as have been baptized have put on Christ, that baptism is the only means by which one may become a member of Christ's Church, the strait gate of salvation. Further, grant that the only true baptism is the Orthodox baptism, triple immersion in the name of the Holy Trinity, performed by a legitimate Orthodox priest or bishop--as I indeed believe. Well and good. I have just articulated a standard. This is the Faith of the Apostles. This is the Faith which has established the world. This is the Faith--and the only Faith--of the Orthodox.

Just one problem. I wasn't baptised. I was Chrismated--and that not even according to a complete rule. I was never exorcised. I was never anointed with oil. And now I commune of Christ's Holy Eucharist.

Does that mean I commune to my damnation? Does that mean my salvation is in jeopardy? Is the grace of God withheld from me because of this?

I don't think it is. It makes no sense to me to be baptized now--in so doing I would both be disobeying my bishops and disregarding other Canons of the Church which allow for the reception of converts by Chrismation. But it's a question which demands my attention. So too are the questions of marriage, communion, confession, etc. All too often, I hear conflicting stories. This does not damage my Faith--I know that these conflicting stories are, for the most part, all legitimate expressions of the fundamental, unchanging truth of the Orthodox Faith. The question is simply which expression properly expresses the Faith that is born of a true and full communion with and of and in the Holy Trinity now, in America, in the 21st century. It is undeniable that the manner in which these specifics are approached has changed and continues to change. But the essence remains the same.

Now, I have to admit that this problem didn't really need to concern me so much. In a very large degree, I have brought it upon myself. It is perfectly possible, even perhaps necessary, for a layman in a parish to submit to those over him spiritually--that submission and obedience, even if those over him err, is an act of humility and submission to God through the authorities ordained by God, and hence is an act leading to salvation. But I, and my friends here at the seminary, are forced to ask questions which we would often rather not ask--the kernel of which is, purely and simply, to whom and to what are we to submit? Because the answer to that question will determine how we answer when, should God will that we be ordained, WE are the ones being asked those questions which bear on the salvation of others. And, should we lead others astray, it has been said that it would be better for us to be cast into the sea with a millstone around our necks. Not exactly the sort of thing to take lightly.

So please, do not judge us, do not take umbrage at us when we fail, but rather pray for us. Pray that we abandon our pursuit of this vocation if we find we are not called to it. Pray that we may learn to rightly teach the word of Truth if we are so called. Pray that we may be granted the spiritual insight to discern the right way in these difficult times. And pray that we may remain humble--for that is the most important and the most difficult thing of all.

After all, even baptism will not save a man who thinks himself worthy of the kingdom of heaven. Even communion in the Holy Eucharist will not save a man who does not realize that he is in desparate need of that communion. Even perfect obedience to the Holy Canons will not save a man who thinks that by his obedience he is saved. And if the holiest men to ever live have died with a final plea for God's mercy on their lips, how can we neglect this humility?

May God have mercy on us all.