TWOFOLD FATES BEAR US TOWARD THE DOOM OF DEATH
Part 2

εἰ μέν κ᾽ αὖθι μένων Τρώων πόλιν ἀμφιμάχωμαι,
ὤλετο μέν μοι νόστος, ἀτὰρ κλέος ἄφθιτον ἔσται·
εἰ δέ κεν οἴκαδ᾽ ἵκωμι φίλην ἐς πατρίδα γαῖαν,
ὤλετό μοι κλέος ἐσθλόν, ἐπὶ δηρὸν δέ μοι αἰὼν
ἔσσεται, οὐδέ κέ μ᾽ ὦκα τέλος θανάτοιο κιχείη.

Once more, why DO I wallow? Who do I flee reality and bury myself in the imaginary lives of heroes who have never lived?

Because, as I said, I have lost my Cause. But I did not lose either the battle or the Cause at Holy Cross, but rather in the quiet of my last semester at Hillsdale College and the summer which followed it.

For the Epic Cause which I found at Hillsdale was not (as I sometimes thought) to save the world, or the Church, or True Doctrine, or even my self (though it can be put in that way). Precisely the contrary--it was simply to lose Myself and in the losing, at long last, to find it again, my True Self, in humility, contrition and love.

Jacob Needleman writes that modern man has forgotten what these words mean, that he is no longer able to comprehend the Life-giving Good News contained in them. But I could--I did comprehend, I did know, I preached it to others, and, for a blessed few months, I began to live it.

And then I dropped my sword, had a snack, drank a beer, watched TV, surfed the Web, took a nap, threw away my soul and died.

Having done so, I proceeded immediately to run to a battleground outside myself, having already abandoned the field within, and thus, when I say I lost the battle of the last year here, what I really mean is that I entered the lists flat on my back with my heart pierced by a dagger held fast by my own lifeless hands, a dagger of self-conceit, self-righteousness, and above all, self-indulgence.

Altogether the wrong sort of loss of self (more like spiritual suicide, in fact)--this one self-consuming, not self-emptying as I knew it ought to be.

And that is what I meant when I said I had lost my Cause. This is my confession and my apology, and, if it may be, perhaps it might mark a new beginning. I feel a fire burning in myself that I have missed for oh so long, a willingness to die once more to all my desires and learn again to ask with sincerity for the mercy of God without which there is no life. In this I ask your prayers.

As for Epic Causes--well, what the title says is true. There are two paths toward our death. And if my own Plain of Ilium lies in the desert of my own heart, and the death of my Self is the price of eternal glory, then so be it. Far better that than to live to old age in the lush fatherland of my stomach and slowly lose my soul against my will in the senility of self-indulgence. There is death either way--but only one promises Life after death.