NAVEL-GAZING

Warning: blatant and pathetic introspection ahead

Truth be told, I am a bad seminarian. My chapel attentance is abyssmal, my class attendance not much better, and my attitude...well, the first two problems are a fairly accurate reflection of my attitude. Also, sad to say, of my personal prayer life.

Since this second year began last September, I've had the strange experience of growing both increasingly confident of my calling and eager to exercise it. Much of that I attribute to the fact that this year, I've had the opportunity to serve in various capacities: to chant in church, to teach Sunday School, etc. The chance to do something I actually consider worthwhile has been quite literally a godsend.

But I said that this was a strange experience--because, while my confidence in and eagerness for the priestly calling has increased greatly, my attendance at chapel hasn't at all, with the exception of those weeks when I am on duty to serve. My personal prayer life has also seen little improvement.

On those rare occasions that I notice or care about this, it disturbs me--if I want to be a minister of God, why in hell can't I seem to get my butt in gear to start preparing to do so? My good intentions scarcely last a day, much less a week, and the long and the short of it is that I don't end up liking myself very much at all. My increasing distance from what I still pathetically think of as home (my alma mater and my old friends there) only worsens matters. I'm a sucky seminarian, a lousy friend, and a lazy bum. And I don't care enough to do anything about it.

Of course I've spent a lot of time blaming all this on the church, or the school, or, occasionally and very unjustly, on my wonderful wife. But mainly on the school. Whether or not that blame is legitimate is beside the point. Whether or not the school sucks has no bearing on what I should be doing as a future priest. End of story. (so if I ever complain about the school, tell me to stuff it)

Nonetheless, tonight the president and chaplain of the school finally did something I wish they'd done a long time ago. Summoning all seminarians to a manditory meeting (which are called very rarely despite being very well attended whenever they are scheduled), they set out quite clearly the standard to which we are expected to measure up. Penalty? Suspension of seminarian status. Message? Put up or ship out. Response? Gratitude...without reserve, at least from me. However much it reveals my immaturity, I need to have clear expectations and clear consequences set out. I do the minimum amount of work required of me. That minimum, here, is ridiculously low. Therefore, I do practically nothing.

On the other hand, if I were capable (or if it were just to expect me to be capable) of forming myself as a priest on my own, there would be no need for me to attend a seminary. That being the case, it is long past time the people in charge here started taking an active hand in forming the young men here into priests. All too often over the past year and a half, they've spent their time asking us what we think the seminary experience should be. And if the time for that is past, then I'll certainly cheer. I came here hoping to be guided and formed into something worthwhile for God's work. I became Orthodox in the first place because I'd realized I was crappy at doing it myself. Obviously the actual work must be my own--but it's really, really nice to have someone actually challenge me.

Navel-gazing ended. Thank you for your forbearance.